A Major Hurricane in the UK named Sharon has hit Essex in the Early Hours of this morning.
The hurricane;
“Hurricane Sharon” (Shazza),
And a earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours with its epicentre in Brentwood.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering,
“Faaackinell”.
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca, Costa del Sol and Leysdown were damaged beyond repair. Many burnt out Ford Escorts and Ford Fiesta cars were burnt beyond repair and many locals were woken well before their Giros had arrived.
The counties top radio station, Essex FM has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has actually happened in the sleepy Brentwood area.
One resident, 15-year old Sharon (Shazza) Smith, a long standing resident of Brentwood and a loving mother of 8 said, It was such a shock,
“my little Chardonnay-Mercedes”
came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm and the rest, I can’t remember their names right now slept through it all. I was still shaking when i was rolling a reefer and watching Jeremy Kyle just to calm my nerves, apparently though , looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal,
“I’m just so glad the community could carry on working” she stated.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew & Tennent’s lager to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Wilkinson’s and Pound Land.
::: HOW CAN YOU HELP :::
#TheEssexAppeal
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
- Shell suits (female)
- White stilettos
- White sport socks
- Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark and JDSports.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
::: Required foodstuffs include :::
- Microwave meals
- Tins of baked beans
- KFC
- Ice cream
- Cans of Special Brew.
22p buys a pen for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*** BREAKING NEWS ***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”
Please don’t share this to anyone living in Essex – oh, sod it, they won’t be able to read it anyway.
Ps, yes I come from Essex btw, well, not born there just live there 😜
